Sometimes you just have to write…

Smelly teenage boys

I was walking across campus at the secondary school where I teach the other day, when I passed a rather nondescript group of teenage boys. This is something I would generally completely ignore. If they’re kids I know, I say hello, of course, but otherwise, I just walk on by.

But this time I noticed them. As they passed, I was enveloped in a thick cloud of a sickening odor. Not body odor, though that’s often a problem with kids this age. No, this time it was perfume. Cheap perfume. Very cheap perfume. The kind that smells toxic.

body spray and Brylcreem

body spray and Brylcreem

Of course, it’s not actually perfume. Nowadays it’s sold under a different name, “deodorant body spray.” And deodorant body spray has become as necessary to the average teenage boy as acne cream, and does just about as much good.

In other words, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t deodorize them; it just covers up their own odors with a new one. And, given that by definition teenage boys have no taste, their new odor, sprayed all over their bodies in massive quantities between classes (they carry the full-size bottles with them in their backpacks), is probably even worse than the body odor they’re trying to cover up. Sometimes, if the body odor was pretty bad already, the two odors combine. It’s amazing the boys don’t pass out from the fumes.

This has got to be the marketing coup of the century: create a product no one needs, but then convince a large proportion of the population that it’s absolutely necessary.

It occurred to me, as I sped up to escape the cloud, that things have done a 180-degree turnaround since my own high school years. Boys have become girls, and girls have become boys.

In my day, boys most emphatically did NOT wear perfume. At most, when they shaved, they might put on some aftershave, but generally it was something like Old Spice, borrowed from their fathers, and it didn’t smell bad. They only shaved once a week at most, and it didn’t last more than a few hours anyway.

On the other hand, girls experimented with perfume pretty much every day. Depending on their tastes and their pocketbook, the results would vary. Some ended up with a chokingly chemical odor, much like those boys I passed the other day. Some smelled pretty good. None of them put it all over their bodies; just a dab behind the ears was considered enough, so you had to get pretty close to smell it at all, and it wore off quickly.

The same turnaround has happened with hair gel. In my day, a boy wouldn’t have been caught dead with gel in his hair. It was just not done. Brylcreem was something old men with combovers used. Girls, on the other hand, did some pretty outrageous things with hair gel. If you’ve ever seen Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, you’ll know what I mean.

Now, it’s the boys who get carried away with hair gel: the more the better. It makes their hair look like wet, thick, plastic cords, but they think it works. It certainly stays in place, even when bicycling at high speed on a windy day. I think they may never get to enjoy the simple pleasure of someone running fingers through their hair, because it’s clearly too disgusting for anyone to want to touch it.

And why do the boys want to do all this anyway? Have we missed the boat, teaching girls that they don’t need to spend so much time and money on perfume and gel, but forgetting to tell the boys the same thing? Who made boys think that they needed all of this? Or is this all just a tactic that producers and advertisers have developed to keep sales up: if girls give up a product, get the boys to buy it instead? How can we fight back, if only for the sake of our lungs? Will make-up be next to switch to boys? High heels? How do we get these things to just disappear instead?


2 comments on “Smelly teenage boys

  1. Pinky Poinker
    June 23, 2013

    This is so funny. As the mother of four young men I am very aware of the existence of body spray! Mine have at least two twenty minute showers every day so I’m sure there is no underlying body odour… there couldn’t possibly be. The youngest, who is eighteen, steals his sister’s Britney Spears perfume and we give him a hard time about it. He tells us that girls like boys to smell nice.
    I’ve bought him his own cologne but he still prefers his sister’s.

  2. Rachel Heller
    June 24, 2013

    That’s funny too! Here the biggest user of body spray would NEVER use anything labeled for females for fear it would threaten his appearance of masculinity. I do wish he’d shower twice a day, though, rather than spray so much of that noxious stuff. We’ve banned him from spraying it anywhere but in his room — it made the bathroom a hazardous environment to enter! And it works effectively to keep us out of his bedroom.

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This entry was posted on June 8, 2013 by in Being a Teacher and tagged , .
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